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Saturday, June 21, 2014
Friday, June 13, 2014
All of My Diets
No, I'm not on a diet for my weight. Yes, I did gain a few pounds while in the presence of mommy's food. No, I can't have any of that for now. As none of you may know, I am, as of a year ago, intolerant to gluten, dairy, eggs, and whichever random morsel of food decides to attack my innards that day. Within this past year, I have been to every single type of doctor. After losing 60 tubes of blood to medical exams and rolling continuously while in Extreme Fetal Position, I ended up seeing a...wait for it...holistic neurologist. In actuality, it's more of...he got a degree in neurology but happened to turn to nontraditional medicine. What this man does is he solves your problems from the inside out. Essentially, the gut is the reason we are all sick and, if you can find a way to fix that, you are golden. Unfortunately, I've only reached copper and am struggling to get myself a real piece of jewelry. Over an eight month-long period, I started as a gluten-free vegan, worked my way up to pescatarian, began to try yogurt, rolled over onto my stomach upon trying egg, and curled up into an extreme form of pity-me-please-now fetal position. Basically, the frosted cupcakes I aimed to have would not only have to be gluten free, but vegan as well. Ever wonder who makes that kind of cupcake? Right-no one.
As was made apparent, I had reached a plateau. But would Katie accept this omelette-less fate as her own? After force-feeding herself many a hardboiled egg and watching them come proudly back into her hands, she said yes. But then after this displacement of almost-chicken babies came to completion, she said no. And so, (definitely changed my literary perspective there for a minute), I went to see a dietician, someone who specializes in sticking chewing gum into the cracks of my stomach...or something to that effect. This time, I was on a diet. Oh wait, I was already on one. This diet was prefaced by a blood test that would determine my specific levels of sensitivity toward each food. Turns out, I am sensitive to mint, need to discard my toothpaste, and am no longer welcome to consume tilapia. Guess minty tilapia is out of the question...for now. Oddly enough, while I am sensitive to all of the odd things one would never develop sensitivities to, I was not shown to be sensitive to eggs or dairy. What. I soon found out that there are differences between "intolerances" that make me projectile vomit my innards out upon ingestion, "allergies," which will make me choke or turn hivey-pimply, and "sensitivities," which make me feel the sad-feely way I do today. Maybe I can take Lactaid pills. Maybe dinosaur eggs would be more suitable for me? We'll have to see as I work my way up the ladder.
Diet. Now, this new diet is a diet like no diet I have ever seen before in the history of diets and fat people or skinny people or medium people or really just anything that walks with feet. I am to start out with fifteen ingredients. Before you get excited and cast an oversized "pffft" in my direction, let me explain. I am limited to that number which includes spices, fruits, vegetables, and real people food. These ingredients alone, without added seasoning, without sauces, are the ones which I will consume for two weeks before adding in ten more. Here they are, ladies and gentlemen, the ingredients I have been taking in for two whopping days: lentils, tuna, salmon, oat, sweet potato, rice, spinach, onion, yellow squash, mushroom, banana, plum, peach, cantaloupe, peanut, hazelnut, walnut, garlic, dill, ginger, and black pepper? Soy sauce on my sushi? No. Butter on my fish? I was never allowed to have that anyway. So, for three days straight, I have had rice cakes, salmon in either whole form or mushed form, canned tuna, squash and mushroom kebabs, and probably more lentils than are available in South Florida. As my roommate Mackenzie would say, HALPPPP!!!
Regardless, if this stupid diet doesn't make me evaporate into thin air first, hopefully it will put me onto the road of recovery in the golden Maserati I used to see around campus. The prince of Kuwait can buy another. Mine for now.
As was made apparent, I had reached a plateau. But would Katie accept this omelette-less fate as her own? After force-feeding herself many a hardboiled egg and watching them come proudly back into her hands, she said yes. But then after this displacement of almost-chicken babies came to completion, she said no. And so, (definitely changed my literary perspective there for a minute), I went to see a dietician, someone who specializes in sticking chewing gum into the cracks of my stomach...or something to that effect. This time, I was on a diet. Oh wait, I was already on one. This diet was prefaced by a blood test that would determine my specific levels of sensitivity toward each food. Turns out, I am sensitive to mint, need to discard my toothpaste, and am no longer welcome to consume tilapia. Guess minty tilapia is out of the question...for now. Oddly enough, while I am sensitive to all of the odd things one would never develop sensitivities to, I was not shown to be sensitive to eggs or dairy. What. I soon found out that there are differences between "intolerances" that make me projectile vomit my innards out upon ingestion, "allergies," which will make me choke or turn hivey-pimply, and "sensitivities," which make me feel the sad-feely way I do today. Maybe I can take Lactaid pills. Maybe dinosaur eggs would be more suitable for me? We'll have to see as I work my way up the ladder.
Diet. Now, this new diet is a diet like no diet I have ever seen before in the history of diets and fat people or skinny people or medium people or really just anything that walks with feet. I am to start out with fifteen ingredients. Before you get excited and cast an oversized "pffft" in my direction, let me explain. I am limited to that number which includes spices, fruits, vegetables, and real people food. These ingredients alone, without added seasoning, without sauces, are the ones which I will consume for two weeks before adding in ten more. Here they are, ladies and gentlemen, the ingredients I have been taking in for two whopping days: lentils, tuna, salmon, oat, sweet potato, rice, spinach, onion, yellow squash, mushroom, banana, plum, peach, cantaloupe, peanut, hazelnut, walnut, garlic, dill, ginger, and black pepper? Soy sauce on my sushi? No. Butter on my fish? I was never allowed to have that anyway. So, for three days straight, I have had rice cakes, salmon in either whole form or mushed form, canned tuna, squash and mushroom kebabs, and probably more lentils than are available in South Florida. As my roommate Mackenzie would say, HALPPPP!!!
Regardless, if this stupid diet doesn't make me evaporate into thin air first, hopefully it will put me onto the road of recovery in the golden Maserati I used to see around campus. The prince of Kuwait can buy another. Mine for now.
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