I've Moved!

Although I have not made my move away from home yet...I've moved this blog as far away from familiarity as Wordpress could possibly be.

oddintro.wordpress.com

Join me.

All of My Diets

      No, I'm not on a diet for my weight. Yes, I did gain a few pounds while in the presence of mommy's food. No, I can't have any of that for now. As none of you may know, I am, as of a year ago, intolerant to gluten, dairy, eggs, and whichever random morsel of food decides to attack my innards that day. Within this past year, I have been to every single type of doctor. After losing 60 tubes of blood to medical exams and rolling continuously while in Extreme Fetal Position, I ended up seeing a...wait for it...holistic neurologist. In actuality, it's more of...he got a degree in neurology but happened to turn to nontraditional medicine. What this man does is he solves your problems from the inside out. Essentially, the gut is the reason we are all sick and, if you can find a way to fix that, you are golden. Unfortunately, I've only reached copper and am struggling to get myself a real piece of jewelry. Over an eight month-long period, I started as a gluten-free vegan, worked my way up to pescatarian,  began to try yogurt, rolled over onto my stomach upon trying egg, and curled up into an extreme form of pity-me-please-now fetal position. Basically, the frosted cupcakes I aimed to have would not only have to be gluten free, but vegan as well. Ever wonder who makes that kind of cupcake? Right-no one.
      As was made apparent, I had reached a plateau. But would Katie accept this omelette-less fate as her own? After force-feeding herself many a hardboiled egg and watching them come proudly back into her hands, she said yes. But then after this displacement of almost-chicken babies came to completion, she said no. And so, (definitely changed my literary perspective there for a minute), I went to see a dietician, someone who specializes in sticking chewing gum into the cracks of my stomach...or something to that effect. This time, I was on a diet. Oh wait, I was already on one. This diet was prefaced by a blood test that would determine my specific levels of sensitivity toward each food. Turns out, I am sensitive to mint, need to discard my toothpaste, and am no longer welcome to consume tilapia. Guess minty tilapia is out of the question...for now. Oddly enough, while I am sensitive to all of the odd things one would never develop sensitivities to, I was not shown to be sensitive to eggs or dairy. What. I soon found out that there are differences between "intolerances" that make me projectile vomit my innards out upon ingestion, "allergies," which will make me choke or turn hivey-pimply, and "sensitivities," which make me feel the sad-feely way I do today. Maybe I can take Lactaid pills. Maybe dinosaur eggs would be more suitable for me? We'll have to see as I work my way up the ladder.
      Diet. Now, this new diet is a diet like no diet I have ever seen before in the history of diets and fat people or skinny people or medium people or really just anything that walks with feet. I am to start out with fifteen ingredients. Before you get excited and cast an oversized "pffft" in my direction, let me explain. I am limited to that number which includes spices, fruits, vegetables, and real people food. These ingredients alone, without added seasoning, without sauces, are the ones which I will consume for two weeks before adding in ten more. Here they are, ladies and gentlemen, the ingredients I have been taking in for two whopping days: lentils, tuna, salmon, oat, sweet potato, rice, spinach, onion, yellow squash, mushroom, banana, plum, peach, cantaloupe, peanut, hazelnut, walnut, garlic, dill, ginger, and black pepper? Soy sauce on my sushi? No. Butter on my fish? I was never allowed to have that anyway. So, for three days straight, I have had rice cakes, salmon in either whole form or mushed form, canned tuna, squash and mushroom kebabs, and probably more lentils than are available in South Florida. As my roommate Mackenzie would say, HALPPPP!!!
    Regardless, if this stupid diet doesn't make me evaporate into thin air first, hopefully it will put me onto the road of recovery in the golden Maserati I used to see around campus. The prince of Kuwait can buy another. Mine for now. 

A Doofus Once Said

    I once spoke to a nutty kid. And it wasn't me...this time. Promise. This man/boy brought up an interesting point that I took particular note of in my book (Blues Clues style). He spoke of the "odd man out" and how he intentionally and continually put himself in situations where he could exist as exactly that. Essentially, he thrived in situations where he was the only oddity versus being around people similar to him. He said he felt his creativity was diluted when he surrounded himself with more of...himself. You would think that would be the opposite case, that he would be more creative in that setting...yes/no/not today? Well, I thought about what he said, and now I'm going to say a thing about that thing.
     When I came to Miami, I walked into my dorm room, sucked in a mouthful of mold from the rotting linoleum below my feet, and put my head down to weep. I wanted to fall into a hole...but not hit the water below-that would be too easy. I felt alone and threatened by all of who I thought were the idiots around me. Little did I know, I could use some of those idiots to my advantage. Those morsels of moron would unknowingly help to craft what I now call Me.
       Before realizing this, I decided I needed to leave Miami. And...after a few painful months, I did just that. I went to fashion school where there were a million Katies...but they all had pink hair...or weirder shoes...or weirder outfits. I, in this situation, felt normal and creatively diffused. How is it possible that my derpy outfits looked sane on the streets of Chicago? This was my big rebellion and I was looking like a half-decorated cupcake. I wanted to be a damn fully decorated pancake (I wanted to make sure I used a metaphor that made the absolute least sense).
     When I came back to Miami after a few logistical avalanches, I fled for a semester abroad, came back, and then realized what was up. Oh, my. Maybe there was a reason I wasn't friends with very many artsy people. And maybe I ended up at this school for a reason other than to feel like a foreigner from the no-longer-existent-negative-terranium that is Pluto. For one, I am not a hippy dippy, although I partake in most activities that would define me as such. And, Dear World, stop calling me a hipster. my white skorts and printed pants define me as no such thing. I am a transitional chameleon, not a bearded lumberjack. But most importantly, I unknowingly loved to surround myself with people who made me feel even stranger, even more unique, and much more at...unease. I was almost in competition with myself to see which side of me could out-weird the other. "Who's gonna jump off the cliff into "freakdom" first, blehehehe."
     And so, this anti-global warming, spotty-haired man/child planted this seed of "hm" into my mind. Actually, it's one of the more important seeds that have grown in the garden. Of all the ideas I have planted in the past year, this might be one that will stick with me for a long time. Does this mean I'll stay in Miami for much longer? Pfft. We'll see.

Out.

Yogurt Kickflips

    I opened a container of yogurt, proceeded to scoop up a glob with my spoon and watched as I flung it into my eye and spilled the rest onto my pants. And these weren't just any pants. These were the only pants I had with me, the ones I would be flying back to America while wearing. Great. Now they were covered with pink, slimy, probably spoiled, yogurt. I guess it could be nice to enjoy some homemade sour cream as an afternoon snack.
     So I have this thing where my limbs flail uselessly in erratic patterns the minute I want to impress anyone at all who I could ever possibly care to dazzle in any lifetime. Except this time, the only thing dazzling about this situation was the specks of glossy berry chunks bubbling to the surface of my yogurt. Yum.
     For about two months before this, I had my eye on a certain guy in the dining hall. To be specific, a dining hall at the university in England where I previously studied abroad. We would make obscenely frequent eye contact across the hall as he sat in a similar spot every day, across from the table I sat at with my mixed breeds of study abroad friends. He dressed in a European chic manner that I so frequently coveted. I mean offense to all when I say how American men know not how to adorn their bodies. Sandals? No. Tanks? I have little interest in your knotted armpit hair. He, on the other hand, wore maroon and mustard scarves with suede loafers and lush sweaters. Even though he wore them each a million times, he always looked great.
     I had been thinking all semester how I could possibly approach him. I even thought I would just go up to him and his friends and exclaim something along the lines of: "you know what? I see you, you see me. I'm Katie." That would have been nice if I hadn't intentionally derailed myself to take a nonexistent phone call...three times. And anyways, this was a two-way street, right? Did he not have legs that could move in walking formation? Toward me?
    As the semester was about to conclude, I counted down the days I had to approach him. Sometimes if I went to breakfast at 8:37 I could catch him on his way out as we collided while awkwardly handling bowls of cereal sliding around on slimy trays. I hadn't dropped anything yet, plus my eye contact was steady and calm. I even think I almost came off as collected in his eyes. I usually wore my grandma's fancy Canadian coat that combined black suede and fancily braided wool. I wore this with a nude leather backpack, Doc Martens, and the same knitted gray scarf. Plus my hair was red. Maybe I looked cool? My mom thought I looked like a punky troll doll. So did I.
     Back to the last day at the dining hall. I woke up, smeared on my face, pulled my same coat over my shoulders, and made my way to breakfast at 8:20. Maybe this time I could sit down and stare at him. Maybe he would stare back at me and we would both throw our hands up in a "well, shit. YOLO right?" kind of way (the use of that stupid acronym is appropriate here. I will now never use it again). Oddly enough, one of my English friends came into the dining hall and started...speaking to the guy?? What was this? How did I not know of this connection? After replaying a facepalm motion over and over again in my mind, I stood up. As soon as I did, my friend sat down to eat with me. A minute later, the guy also sat down. This was his way in. A few minutes after that, my English friend left and I was sitting alone with the guy I had been staring at all semester. My voice began to shake, I started laughing too much as I do when I get nervous, and I lost all sense of coordination. How wrong could I really go with only toast and a yogurt on my tray? The answer as we all now know is this: the wrongest of the wrong. Upon digging the spoon into my yogurt, I made the equivalent of a skateboarding kick-flip with my utensil and watch half of my yogurt spray not only on my pants but all over my face and the ground. I then watched as the yogurt cup splatted to the ground. How. How did this happen.
     Of course as soon as this all happened, my face turned red, and my guy felt uncomfortable. Four of my friends just walked into the dining hall, all aware of my enormous crush, came over, and started cackling like buffoons. Although I made some serious light of the situation, this guy wasn't having it. He was too cool for me. But, at the end of the day, if he was too cool for me, it wasn't meant to be. It was almost better as a fantasy inside my head. If I ruin printed pants with sour yogurt while on a date with any of you, laugh or we're done. Actually, I'm now lactose intolerant. Let's skip the yogurt thing and go for vegan cupcakes.

Out.

I Is Awkward, Hear Me Roar

It's funny how being "awkward" has become the new, coveted cool. People actually take quizzes to prove their awkward-ability to their friends and take comfort in knowing that Marie Claire magazine has declared Taylor Swift to be just as awkward as anyone else (I mean that's a total lie). The truth of it all is, when someone is actually awkward, it doesn't work that way anymore. For instance: me. I used to be painfully awkward to the point where I knew not what to say to people in new conversation aka smalltalk ever. I would jump right into the most random corner of conversation possible before saying "how are you" or "what did you do last night." Although those things bore me, they aren't things that most people are comfortable skipping (refer to my last post where I speak about how geniuses must first master the basics). Not to declare myself as a genius, because I clearly just disproved that theory, but I like to think I was unique in being assuredly, consistently, painfully awkward to the point where there was such a thing as a "Classic Katie."

In today's world of Lena Dunham and celebrities such as the self-proclaimed "real" and "super awkward" pixie named Jennifer Lawrence, awkward is on the rise. Gone are the days when Audrey Hepburn and all of her perfection are the accepted, nay coveted, norm. In rush the days when embracing the extra five pounds and extra scraggly tooth around your eyebrow are widely accepted. Fine, teeth don't grow on eyebrows (huh?). This is all okay and funky and cool-tastic until one event happens: when someone proudly declares themselves awkward, they are no longer awkward. The very thing about being awkward is that you are often unable to accept or realize the fact without admitting that you tried to be otherwise. If you know that what you do is weird, the bubble has been burst...and I only chew Double Bubble Bubble Gum so that is quite impossible. But see, this puts me in a quasi sort of lame limbo (maybe that explains the lightheaded feeling I had earlier today). While I realize I have awkward tendencies, I am no longer as ashamed of them. Although, when someone who I don't know is only able to experience my awkward tendencies without being in the presence of the awesome ones, this creates a problem. I am no longer Jennifer Lawrence, saying awesome things then tripping over ballgowns; I am just awkward. And everything I say from thereon out will be seen as only rendering everyone in the room instantly uncomfortable. I have been told I have a gift for doing so (was a painful day). This true awkward is an isolated "herp" in a sea of "herp derps." The use of the entire phrase, aka awkward with funky, is understood by the gaggles (gaggles of geese and humans alike). The use of just "herp" just becomes weird, as is the awkward without the nifty-with-a-twist of cool.

So this is why Taylor Swift is not truly awkward. It's not that she is beautiful or even graceful that removes her from this category. As a matter of fact, she used to be awkward and it was because she was blissfully unaware not of the fact that she was but rather of what it was about her that made her be perceived as awkward. She has been groomed by society and expensive hairdressers etc. to comb the awkward right out of the mane that is her (ew). So when Marie Claire tries to call someone who has been so standardized by society as an "awkward" individual just to make the public feel more comfortable with themselves, I say nay. Calling someone awkward makes them feel more human and closer to the rest of us, but we don't realize is that not all of us are truly awkward.

I suppose the moral of the story is something like this: I suppose I should be glad I am awkward in a society where this is growing in acceptability (awkward wording lol) but hope I can remain that way while developing my suave self. Though this has yet to come out in full, I hope that one day, one year, in my fourth feline life, that I will be able to ask someone what they did last night. 

Get It

Get It. Those two words imply that one should thrust themselves at another individual interested in emotive confrontation. When I think of Get It, I think of some sexy version of a ready-to-pounce praying mantis strutting its mantis self across the mantis bar and in front of another mantis woman/man/however you want to swing that night. Now, here's why it makes no sense. How can "getting it" be comprised of angst, drive, and confidence when, in reality, we are a society addicted to playing Hard to Get? Get It (all of the puns)? If staying away is the very thing that attracts people the most (entirely different argument I will get to in a few minutes after casting my fists down in frustration at a similar scenario within which I currently reside...)...then how is directly, intentionally, and blatantly getting it gonna "git-er good" (may have just made that partially up)?

Here is a hypothetical "for instance." While I realize it is no longer hypothetical upon its morphing into a true-life Katie tale, I want to call it that for the sake of my pride and only a golden third of my diminished dignity. I wanted a guy. The End. Just kidding. I wanted a guy, I didn't know how to get the guy, my friend told me to go up to the guy. I did. And at first, he was very into the fact that I had mustered confidence enough to fool him into thinking I had a minute amount of swagger. Besides the fact that I immediately slipped on an ice cube and caught his shoulder on the way down, it was not that that eventually rendered him disinterested. If we're being honest, that only upped the interest. I mean really...who wouldn't want someone's frantic talons digging into their shoulder on a Friday night? Anyways. I began to text MooMoo (let's call him that, if not only to emasculate him, but at least to add humor to this sad tale). We texted back and forth back and forth. Then the texts became fewer and farther between. Was it because my text messages were sent four seconds too soon? Must I measure the thought put into each message in teaspoons of nervosa? Can I make nervosa a tangible thing so that I can measure it out with a spoon meant for stirring tea into sugar? The I started to text less.

Here's the problem. If you like someone, how do you "approach" them in a way that comes off as you "not approaching" them and being "disinterested" while being definitely and definably "interested?" Wut. While I realize it is customary within English society (those Brits) to wait quite a while before asking someone out, 'Merica is no place to hold feelings back. When people say Americans are forward, they are both wrong and possibly foreign to Earth. And I don't like to share my food with aliens so...leave. Americans are hesitant to discuss feelings of love and warmth and gushy stuff and things that make you feel like a guffawing, de-shelled armadillo but have no problem attacking you with fangs and stiletto heels if you accidentally cut them in line to get into Liv (for reference, I have not gone to Liv but, as a species foreign to said club, I can only imagine that, aside from wearing skirt/belt/invisible articles of clothing, these are activities club goers take part in). People will flip you off from cars and cut you off with baby strollers as you stumble to grab the wallet you just dropped (yes this did happen to me) before they tell you that you look not sexy, hot, or "smoky-dizzlin'" (this also happened), but pretty. And, if someone does call you pretty, the authorities must be alerted because oh my lord, Voldemort has a cousin and his name has just been mentioned. And so, in such cases, where people are afraid of interest, kindness, and eyeballs that look at not just their owners' phones but also at your eyeballs, what must one do?

Well...I don't know. I know little about things (definitely not vague). But what I do know is that I need to learn about balance. I too lose interest when the other party gains interest. Societal conditioning: please die. I need to learn both how to play "hard to get" and how to rise above it. Speaking of which (this is relevant...I swear)...my professor, who I commonly have a strong distaste for, said this: "Once you have mastered the basics, you can then move onto the genius." Funny how so may geniuses come off as having gone their entirely own, crookedly carved out, quasi path, but in actuality have skid down the same road as everyone else (Van Gogh is a true exception to this rule). This also applies to "gettin' it." Once you have learned the traditional manner in which one might acquire a lady/man friend/person, you can then go on to lure others in with methods other than the traditional "hard to get." Stupid how "hard to get" has become tradition, right? This is when the direct confrontation comes into play. The people who can pull that off have probably already pulled the weasely side nonsensicality (definitely not a word) of "hard to getting." The irony of this situation is this: One would think that learning to confront people/problems/large lizards head on, they could then use those methodologies to manipulate people from afar (literally). What I have found is...not that. Learn the back roads then you can make the dash to the home stretch.

And so, as I begin to remember a dream I had last night (somehow including a super-old Brad Pitt), I realize that, it is possible to get Brad Pitt. I might be 90 when I do, but if I learn how to play hard-to-get, maybe by then I will realize what to say if I walk up to him in a bar...if those still exist when I'm a prehistoric rag. Good night and good luck to all those tryna get-it-in as I lazily rock myself asleep to an episode of Scandal.

This Post Is For My Class And Is Long And Weird (version 1)

     "Looks like I went from partly-professional to soaking wet in under three minutes!...[nervous giggle]." I was dressed in a too-hip, loosely-swept, oddly-draped red and blue plaid shirt, a lightly-patterned pair of cropped, skin-tight, nude pants, and pointy, snakeskin flats with a chunky ankle strap. After running frantically through the rain with my bright red raincoat and shoes in hand, I had arrived at the Career Symposium. The Woman at the front was dressed in a sad-looking black suit atop a black shirt. The Woman did not take kindly to the joke I made upon materializing before her to receive my Symposium badge. She might as well have been clutching a Poisonous Scepter of Doom within her pointy claws, although this image might flatter her a bit more than intended. And so, after watching The Woman smoothly slide my name tag into the casing that I would later accidentally steal, I pranced along as I felt her laser vision pierce through my backside. I began to skim the perimeter of the third floor as I attempted to penetrate the border that was seven skeptical employees. These narrow-eyed humans proved quite weary of my apparently inappropriate dress. Their eyes slithered from left to right. Rinse and repeat.
         I walk into a large, sterile ballroom and take my seat amidst a small and probably-never-growing crowd of suit sporting creatures. They donned, just as The Woman at the front, black suits with black or perhaps white ruffled obscenities for shirts underneath. A "girl" to my left exhibited a pair of round-toed Mary Jane shoes with a flowered belt buckle choking the fat of her feet. I, again, was wearing...not that. My pointy shoes, patterned top, and soaking wet existence were loud enough to shove enough noses in the air for what could be a lifetime. A small Indian man eventually appeared to the side of the stage. The Woman then materializes before us in an untimely manner. Not good, Woman, not good. "And I am here to introduce a very important man. Please do graciously welcome our wonderful speaker for the evening, Sir Blah Blah." Now, I must keep this name as Sir Blah Blah for two reasons. One: this is a fantastic name, but no, he is not a knight. Two: If anyone were to read this and see his actual name, I might be brutally slain by The Woman; she has her ways. Plus, her nails were uncomfortably long. Anyways. The Woman then proceeds to trip backward upon exiting the stage that Sir Blah Blah decides not to use. "My voice is quite enough," says the Sir. Six crickets appear, mate, and exponentially multiply in number. Actually, that was just the increasing sound of awkward I felt as this man began to futz with a poorly constructed powerpoint. Swivel Swivel. I take a gander to my left and right to find two things. One: a balding man who, wait, why are you here? And two: a meek, mousey graduate student who apparently thought a hiking backpack would bring out the boring in her eyes. Lights fail to dim, and here we go.
         Now, let's get some background on our dearest Sir. This man, about five and a half feet tall, walks in at a pace that must be too slow for the age that he appears to be. His back has a developing hump that is masked only slightly by his oversized jacket. A man of class and creativity, you say? He stands up to reveal a blue pinstripe shirt worn beneath a green and orange speckled tie. School spirit? Absolutely. Mismatched? Probably. He reaches his wrinkled paws toward his necktie to loosen the portion that is pinching his neck fat. His hair is thinning and a combover does it little justice. This is a man who worked at Fed-Ex for years developing all sorts of "creative" modes of operation for the company. Needless to say, he was both behind the scenes and very much in front of them. The man worked with brown boxes and sticky labels. He travels around the world giving talks about how to become creative and how you can then go on to be like him...in order to travel around the world...while telling other people how to become creative...all courtesy of the Sir himself. After casting a slew of fancy brand names in our general direction and asking us to identify fancy monuments from places he visited all over the world...is that an ice cream cone? Suddenly I see over thirty businesspeople clutching ice cream cones and roasting on revolving spears. They are cackling in excitement about their monthly outing from the office. Someone even told me they got to brush their teeth! Someone else told me they would rather get the last ice cream cone than use this break to empty their bowels and I...*bang.* I raise my head up in baffling confusion. Did I actually just fall asleep? Not possible. I remember being slouched back but I do like to keep up a few professional appearances. After all, I did tape my eyelids back in preparation for this riveting escapade. It seems that I have just pulled a Walter Mitty and that I fantasize about roasting haughty businesspeople as they devour sweets. Good.
       As I gently awaken myself and remove the metaphorical drool of boredom that departed from my mouth, Sir Blah Blah opened his mouth to speak. Sir Blah Blah is Indian. He speaks in a thick, acquiescent accent that will convince one of absolutely nothing. He begins his talk with "this talk is on how one can unleash one's creativity with one's self within one's mental temple." Oh boy. Wait a minute-this goofy goober was about to tell me how to be creative? As I sat there with my "Studio Art" badge plastered to my bosom, my mind began to wander. I did sign up for this talk, even if it was just to get great blog material. Rude. ...*Shakes herself awake*...The four criteria that must be met to unlock the golden chest of creativity, oh boy. This is it. My mind is about to be blown and subsequently re-synthesize into golden platelets of chocolate knowledge. And who doesn't like both of those things? One: More dots. More dots? How eloquently you have phrased this golden pellet, Sir Blah Blah. Apparently this has something to do with the desire to pry and well, think more. You know what, I really was planning on thinking less so, thank goodness I arrived before His Graciousness on this monsoony day. Two: Imagination. Doesn't that mildly coincide with step one? Are they even steps?? Must I perform these feats in order?? Explain, Sir Blah Blah, explain!! Step three: create nominal stress. This one really got me going. According to our Graciousness, this has to do with creating an ideal amount of stress in combination with a state of relaxation in order to "become creative." It's something like the top achievement in meditation or...me successfully slaughtering someone's ass in a sort of silent Kung Fu. Now, this is my problem with this artificially created "nominal stress." Part one: if one is truly creative, they are usually somewhat deranged. My mind goes as far as the moon and is as cratered as just that. When I think of ideas, I bolt up in the middle of the night, sweating, after a long night of painful thought. There is no fra-la-la and a warm shower, not too hot as to sear my precious dermis. Part two: if my mind is clear, that means there are no ideas. The very reason I went to this meeting was to clutter my mind with ideas that could mix with ones I got from a trip to Burger King as a gluten-intolerant fool last night. Sir Blah Blah proceeds to speak of those "a-ha" moments one has in the shower. I mumble to myself, "doesn't freakin' happen to me." Uh oh.
        Sir Blah Blah takes a step in my direction, nods his pointed noise toward my face, and swivels his neck. I really should internalize my reactions more frequently. "You do look like a creative individual," says the Sir. "Do, tell me what you have just said. It says here that your major is...studio art?" He gazes toward me as though looking over spectacles grazing the tip of his pointed schnoz. *Gasps from the crowd of somber business aliens.*
           If this was a movie, I would have just made that a cliffhanger. Unfortunately for me, the only sense of cliffhanger I can provide is the one where I push "enter" and then "spacebar" enough times to form what would have been a "tab" anywhere but on my Blogger website. And...continue. Upon craning my remorseful neck in his general direction, I opened my mouth to speak. "Well..." I look around to see that the back three rows of people actually stood up to see what sort of mongrel was producing words. "It's just that...I seem to create ideas in times when my mind is sort of distracted. Oddly enough, thinking about how I should be thinking actually makes my thinking time less...thinkful." Based on sky-high eyebrows, it seemed that "thinkful" was not a proper word of choice. "Self-induced tension also doesn't really work for me. If I'm in an incredibly boring class, my mind spews out ideas for just about everything...which I guess could be a problem if being creative is my job, because, you know, I can't do boring things just to come up with cool things for the rest of my life. That's just wrong, yeah? But also, when I'm at my looniest and feel the crazy coming on, I don't stop it. I embrace it. This is only something I've learned to do recently, but it is device that I will employ for a lifetime." Now, let's back up a little. This man came to my university to talk to a bunch of gray-minded people about how to get in on what he thought was "his little secret." Then, this soaking wet excuse for a partly-professional woman is giving her opinion on his miniature book (it actually is miniature; I'll go into detail about that fantastic bit later)? After seeing the ever-emotive and eloquent Malcolm Gladwell speak, I was barely taken by his response. "You see," says the Sir, "I myself never used to be creative. Then, I began to work for Procter and Gamble and..." *snooze.*
          After being individually lectured by this boring blob of a man, I shot my head to the left and right, searching frantically for a clock. This talk was only supposed to go on for 45 minutes, 30 of which were taken by him telling us what places he had traveled to and why he thought he was so awesome. But, for some reason that I am still unable to define, these fifteen minutes must have been at least another 40. My mind decided to cringe in repudiation of his reiteration of his four steps to creative wisdom. I catch another glimpse of a roasting businesswoman to my immediate left, the meek hiker to my right. It was get-er-done time at the slaughterhouse and I just punched in my card. This time, our Good Sir was enjoying a nice marshmallow and The Woman kebab, The Woman was laughing gleefully, as she was finally able to partake in his golden stream of creativity.
         Upon terminating his speech, Sir Blah Blah told us that we would each be receiving a copy of his book. His book, just as our attention spans, had diminished in size. He held it next to a regularly sized book of his saying, "this one didn't quite sell out." Right, because making your book smaller will win you a following of both large and small-handed people alike. That's like, double, you know? And, if you count all the left-handed people who can now read his Hebrew and Chinese versions, well, let's consider this World Domination. As I walk out of the meeting, I knead the moisture out of my hair and sling my drenched, bright red backpack across my rear side. I walk into the bathroom, peel off my pants, slink into some gym shorts, and begin to roll my pants up sushi-style into a wad of paper towels. Wash my hands, smear the makeup from my face, good to go. Look to the left, nod in approval to the talking marshmallow kebab as she scornfully smirks in my detestable direction. And goodbye to that piglet.